A Little Helpless

I normally wouldn't blog today, since the 12 Days of Christmas assignment is over. But I really need to say something, or at least write it down. But I don't want to right it on my journal, or just on a random piece of paper. If I needed to take my emotions out on something, I wouldn't be doing this. But I want to say this where I might be heard by at least one or two people. So anyway, here it goes.

Right now, actually these past few months, I've been feeling helpless. I'm not depressed, or feel I keep failing again and again, okay? I'm not going through that stage where I negatively question my purpose in life. It might be exam week, and sometimes I feel like I can't get through it, but I always do, or at least I try to believe that I can. I always find myself sitting on a chair at home, reaching for the guitar, and thinking "I did it. I got through the whole week." But this thing. This thing that is making me feel helpless isn't like an exam week. It's not something that everyone encounters. You have no idea how it's going to end. You don't know when it's going to end. You're just inexperienced, upset, worried, and helpless. If I told you exactly what this was, you would probably think I've been exaggerating everything. But I'm not. I don't know what to do! I feel a little judged. I feel like if I try to fix this problem, I'll just end up like the people in movies who are so annoying because of what they do. But you know what? Thirty minutes ago, I came up with a theory. I know I'm better off just asking people instead of making my own theories. But I'm at home, and school doesn't start until tomorrow morning.

People hate to be judged right? Which is why some tend to keep quiet. They think that if they say anything people would think they're something or that they are like this or like that. You know? JUDGEMENT. The thing is, it isn't true for everyone. Not all of your family members will judge you. Hopefully your teachers won't, or your best friends, or just friends. If your in a good environment, whether it's work or school, or some random place. The thing is, not everything is the same. Ideas change. People can change. Judgements don't have to be permanent. But you can't blame anyone who's afraid to be judged. I mean we all are. I judge people. I really do. But I try to lose that judgement the moment it enters my head. I don't choose to stick to it. But I'm human. I can't get everything right. Sometimes we are so eager to help that we miss out on something. Something big. Then we figure things out. The whole problem becomes clear. You might think that it would help, but it doesn't always. Like what is happening now. I have no idea what to do. That's why I haven't been doing anything. Or at least it doesn't look like I am. But if could plug in earphones into my head and listen to what's inside, a big part of what you'll hear is me thinking of how to fix or at least deal with it. But since you can't do that, a whole new reason has been made. A very believable one. Even I would think the same thing. I could just say why, but now I know about all these boundaries, and it's so hard to work around them. But you know what? I've just decided that I'm not going to stop. I'm going to try to figure this out.

Digging up the Rocks

Here are pictures I took before we were even halfway done digging up the rocks. Which by the way, I did have permission to use my phone. But anyway, I think someone was using Kim's trowel, which is why it's just her fist. She could have used the pickaxe, but it wouldn't fit in the picture.

The Eleventh Day of Christmas

This morning, I left the house at 9:30 to pick my sister up at the airport. After we did that, we headed home to drop off her bags, then we went straight to the mall. Then we went home to pick up our parents so that we could all go to the Christmas party together. It was a pretty good one. There was a team building exercise, which I thought was a great thing to do. It wasn't the type where you had to run everywhere, or go through this obstacle to get to this place. It wasn't an Amazing Race kind of thing. I mean those games are really fun, which is why they did it before this team building thing.

There were ten people in each group. They would then divide that group into two smaller ones. One with six people, which we called the "site" and the other with four which was called the "center". Those her were in the site would set up somewhere else, and wait for the instructions to be given by the center. Part of it was very logical, but a lot of it had to do with communication. In the end there were many observations that told us what the team had to work on. I found it pretty cool and helpful.

So when the party was over, my sister, my mom, and I went out for dinner. Then we went to Starbucks for dessert. I got a Green Tea latte again, which is what's keeping me awake right now. And I think it would have helped my sister while she was driving us home. So right now, I'm going to try to go to sleep, because surprisingly, I don't like waking up late on weekends. Waking up at 8 am is fine, but I'm a little bit hesitant about waking up at like nine or ten. I just feel like I could have done a lot during those hours. Besides, my parents wake up extremely early. Most of the time at five or six, and I really enjoy having breakfast with them while it's still cold outside, and the grass in the garden is slightly wet, and you can see the light of the sun slowly getting brighter. It reminds me of the when our house wasn't sandwiched between two other one's and we could still see the view not only through our front door.

On The Tenth Day of Christmas We Dug Up a Rock!

Yesterday morning, we were cultivating one of the second year plots. Then, Katja came across a rock. It didn't seem big at all. Of course, because it was still covered with soil. We were able to dig about three inches deep, since we started with it five minutes before the farm chore was over. So today I was sort of looking forward to digging it up. We had forty-five minutes to do it. And we were six girls, Erica, Evee, Charissa, Katja, Kimiko, and me.

We were doing pretty well. Suddenly, we saw it move a little when Charissa hit it. We all started screaming and getting excited. A few of us tried to pull it out of the soil. Then, VICTORY! The rock was out. But sadly, while we were digging it up, we found another rock right next to it. It seemed to be the same size. Turns out, it was one third bigger than the first one. We just kept digging while Charissa, Evee and Erica took turns with using the pickaxe. We really couldn't see the end of the rock. Then, while I was digging with my trowel, I saw it. Everyone got excited again. We were more motivated this time, and working at twice the amount of speed. Eventually, we got it out. We were all so happy. We were jumping up and down saying we did it. I know, it's just a rock. But it was good bonding time.

On our way to the tool shed, we saw another rock on Erica's plot. It looked like it was going to be twice the size of what we just dug up. So we were just like "No way! Not today!"

KuJo & KuCis

I have a brother in-law, and a brother. I call both of the "kuya." Last Monday, my brother came home from Singapore. And tonight, I said "Kuya" and both of them looked. So right now, I'm trying to find a name that will be a able to distinguish who I'm really calling. I could call them by their name, but it would be too long. So I'm looking for a two syllable word. I was thingking about calling them KuJo and KuCis, but I don't think I could get used to that. I guess I could ask my dad to help me. He keeps coming up with nickname for us, so I think I'll wait till he gets back.

DEBATE!

Yesterday, two students from each year we're going to debate. I ended up being one of them. We weren't exactly volunteers, but it wasn't like we really didn't want to do it either. All of us did have experience. Except the last formal debate I participated in was done four years ago. I did one last year, but I wouldn't really call it a debate. It was more like three grade school students giving a lecture to three high school students about the motion. We didn't do any research, and we made our points while we were on our way to school.

But anyway, I still had a little fun yesterday. I really liked the motion. It wasn't that difficult, but probably hard if you didn't analyze it well. Luckily, I'm not the type of person who doesn't like analyzing.

Just Keep Swimming!

I woke up this morning, and I could hardly hear anything. I brother told me to equalize. You know, like what they do in diving. Anyway, I felt really horrible. My head felt like it was going to explode. My sister told me she didn't think I should go to school. I just nodded and went back to bed. Then I thought about it a little, and started to panic. The feeling of knowing that you're missing out on a lot, especially in school, really isn't pleasant. I eventually had to get over it. It's not like it was going to make me feel any better.

So now I'm just resting and blowing my brains out. I just turned on the TV, and Finding Nemo is on. I love that movie. Especially the character Dory. You could really tell that it was Ellen. Not only because of her voice, but you could really see a bit of her personality in Dory. While I was watching, I remembered a line from the movie. Here it is.

"Just keep swimming!" ⬅ Hey! Click it. ☺

The Sixth Day of Christmas

The sixth day of Christmas was a Monday. It was the first day of school for that week, and my brother was arriving. I woke up at five forty in the morning so that I could get ready, and have a calm breakfast before leaving for the airport to pick him up. I guess I was too calm, because I found myself eating my breakfast while walking out the door. By the time we got to the airport his plane had already landed. We just didn't know, because apparently it took off before we even got there. So we were just sitting inside the car waiting for someone to announce that the plane has arrived. Ten minutes later, we see our brother walking towards the car. Of course, we were all pretty shocked. After that, we headed home and had a quick breakfast, and I was in school by seven thirty.

While I was in the farm, cultivating the plots, I started sneezing. I thought it was just my allergies, but it started to get worse. I felt like I had a sore throat, and I felt pretty weak. By the time our Math class started, I started to think I was sick. Karen told me I should go home and rest a bit. I told her I would after We finished all our classes, and I found out what work we had to do. I also decided to line up and get my lunch before leaving, since I already paid for it the week before, and there probably wasn't any food at home since no one was eating there. While waiting for the car to arrive, I was still making a few jokes and laughing. And probably bowing people too. I knew I was sick, but I still wanted to have a regular day at school. Even though it was just half a day.

What Happened?

I posted two things on December five. Later that night, which was when I had an idea on what I could write about, I lost my internet connection. So when I got home yesterday, I decided to try again. Basically here is was happened.

*Click on Safari logo*

Result: FAIL!

*Turn airport off then on*

Result: FAIL!

*Restart computer*

Result: Yay!

*Click on Blogger website*

Result: FAIL!

Luckily, I decided to write my blog post on a piece of paper just in case the internet came back. So, here it is.

It's a Sunday today, and the a few students were supposed to go to Lapasan with Ms. Elaine for our gift giving. I'm sure who was able to go since I couldn't. I didn't have a ride to get there, or at least to where we were supposed to meet.

My sister and Maria left for lunch at about eleven thirty, and they came back at around three. It was pretty lonely in the house. Isabel was in her own world, and my brother was still arriving the next day. When dinner came we had sushi and my sister bought me a green tea latte from Starbucks. I was really happy. I love green tea. I know that not a lot of people do. Especially when it's an ice cream flavor. I guess it's because it has a bitter taste at the end. But I still think it was the perfect drink for that day.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas We had a Christmas Party

There were actually two events happening that day. The first one was a seminar given by Francis Kong, which the whole Erdkinder community had to attend. I actually enjoyed it. Except there was a girl who sat beside me, and it was so awkward when we would be asked to take our left hand and tap the person next to you and say something, because she looked really shy. She would just sink into her chair. But before all of that. We had to wait outside. Karen, Erica, and I played Slap. Actually, I'm not sure what it's really called. Anyway, the first round was pretty simple. Then I told them that we should try to make it two against one. Karen and I both had to slap Erica's hand, but she kept screaming. Then we asked Nathan to join. Which meant it was now three against one. And I think we started to get really loud. After the seminar, we all went to the mall to have lunch, and Karen and I went to buy the wigs for the guys.

Then came the Christmas party. Some of the sophomores went to the school a little earlier to practice the dance. Then the rest of the students arrived, and we had to practice our cheer with our group. Our group was called Patrick's Balbal. I'm not really sure why.

So after we performed our cheer, we had to do our year performances. As usual, the sophomore's performance was insane and full of inside jokes. But we still had fun. Especially when we pulled in some of our group leaders to join us.

After all the years performed, the amazing race started. Our team didn't exactly start off on a good start. We were last to finish the first challenge and the second one too. We really couldn't get the hula hoop challenge. For the third challenge, we were able to make it up to second to the last. After that we pretty much lost track of whether we were last or second or third or fifth. We started to get the hang of it. And after being the eighth team to start, we were able to work our way up to fifth.

Then it was time for the chris cringle. It was pretty fun. We all had to guess who the person got while he or she would give us clues. Then we all ate dinner, which was where everyone tried the Dirty Drink. But everyone still called it Blah blah blah. We found out that a lot of people liked the Blah blah blah. All four bottles were gone in about twenty minutes. Luckily, we had an extra two litter bottle of sprite, and the rest of the ingredients were in the cooler. So a few of us ended up making it right there and then.

After dinner, almost everyone went for a swim. And a few people who weren't supposed to were pushed in. I was able to get a video of most of them. Emilyn was dragged in by about seven people, but she never got in.

The party was just really awesome.

On the Third Day of Christmas We Sang Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday Kimiko!

I know it isn't the third of December anymore, but I never got to post anything for that day. It was Kim's birthday so how could I not post anything. Anyway, we announced that it was her birthday in the mic while everyone was lining up for lunch. Then a few of us sang 'Haaaaaappyyyy biiiirthdaaaaaay toooooo youuuu!" It was kind of funny.

After lunch, we went downstairs to the canteen to practice our dance for the christmas party. We added a few new stuff to the song. An example would be the Lion King intro. It was really random. But we are random. So it kind of worked out. There was a little problem with the music. We had to stack up two boxes so that we could plug in the speakers.

After our practice, we went upstairs to make our special drink, Blah blah blah. I wasn't able to buy the exact same ingredients as the ones we used last year, but it didn't taste bad. We still had to come up with a new recipe, since the flavor sort of changed. Frances and Kimiko kept laughing, which made it pretty hard for them to swallow the drink when we asked them to try it. As much as we tried, the drink didn't taste like the first one we made. Frances said we shouldn't call it Blah blah blah. Instead, she said we should call it Dirty Drink. It did look pretty dirty.

On the Second Day of Christmas I Went to the Mall

My sister and I went to the mall today. I bought a few things, and did some canvasing for the Christmas party performance. We spent about two hours in the mall looking for art supplies for her two daughters. By the time we were ready to pay it was already seven. The line wasn't that long. There were only two people in front of us. But you see, multitasking is something that comes natural to her. Actually, I think that right now, it's a habit. Anyway, while we were waiting in line, she gave me her phone so that I could tell our driver to come pick us up. A few minutes later, she gave me her wallet, and said that she was going to go look at some of the clocks nearby.

I just laughed and said okay. Then, it was finally our turn to pay. While this was happening, my sister asked if she could get the case she got before they put it in the plastic bag. I asked why, then she just shrugged and then said "Okay. Never mind."

So yeah. There you have a few hours in the mall with my sister.

On the First Day of Christmas, I had my first BPP

So today, I experienced my first business plan presentation. I was really nervous. I only had to explain four slides, but they seemed really long during the final presentation. It was still a good experience though.

My parents aren't home, so they weren't able to be there for the presentation, but my sister was able to go. Of course her presence didn't make me any less nervous. I mean, she presents business plans pretty often. I haven't actually seen her present one, but my dad says she's pretty convincing. Anyway, after the whole presentation, she smiled at me and gave a thumbs up. I felt good after that. But I'm not so sure if I'm excited to do another one next year.

LEMONADE

As a little girl, I used to dream of being a princess

With sparkling tiaras, a knight, and white horses

But as time flew

I realized, not all fairy tales come true

As I entered the gates of high school

I started having parties in my pool

With all the stress from school

I started to think education wasn't cool

But as I grew up

I learned that life wasn't a cup of tea

CHORUS

Second by second

Minute by minute

Hour by hour

Day by day

Year by year

Life is so blurry when will it be clear

Now I've got a bigger responsibility

And life ain't lookin' that easy

With all this work crashing on me

I need a break so send me to Hawaii

It's been years since life started to unfold

And right now I feel quite old

And as my memories start to fade

I remember, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade

CHORUS

Second by second

Minute by minute

Hour by hour

Day by day

Year by year

Life was once blurry, but now it's clear

The Truth I've Been Hiding

Is honesty fine with you?

Can you handle it?

Should I tell you you?

Or should I just keep quiet?

I know it isn't easy

I know it's hard to hear

And I know that when I tell you

You will try to fight back your tears

But the truth isn't hidden anymore

It's completely visible to you

You're just trying to close that door,

And pretend that you never knew

Open that door

Then hold on to a friend and keep going

Then get ready to accept what's outside it

And have no fear when honesty comes knocking

ICE CREAM!

Ice cream is so good

It is sweet and really good

And it's very cold

Nothing but silence,

It's quite a big surprise how,

One thought is so loud

Glad to Leave

You went through so much,

And you seemed so happy to go,

Just wish I knew you more

Hoot!

During our trip, my mom found this owl that you connect to your computer. It moves or blinks whenever you type or use the mouse. When my mom showed it to me I was so excited to get it and connect it to my computer. I'm not obsessed with owls, I just find this one pretty cute. I also have a few owl necklaces, and a bookmark from Karen, but I think the fact that I have those is what causes me to think I want a certain owl themed item I find in a store. The whole thing is psychological. They aren't my favorite kind of animal. I don't no if I can pick a favorite animal. All I know is, I'm not going to get any owl slippers.

New Hobby

I just learned a new song to play in the guitar. I still need to work on it though. Here Comes the Sun isn't actually the easiest song to play, and I've only been playing the guitar for three months. Im really enjoying it. My dad and I play the guitar together everyday. Well, at least when our schedules fit. He helped me learn how to play tears in heaven, which a pretty sad song by the way. It's nice find another thing my dad and I can do together. Every time we get home from a trip, I head straight to the guitar or piano. I don't know why I haven't thought of bringing it with me. I think I might next time.

Home

I realized I spent nine years of my life living here. And only four years in Manila. I might not have been born here but it feels like home, and I know it is. The only relatives we have here are my sister and her family. My mom and dad didn't know anyone when they decided to move here. They really loved the place and the fact that there were less traffic jams. It was a crazy decision to move here. It wasn't that big a deal to me back then since I didn't find a best friend yet. But I did when I got here. I was really happy, and I knew we were never going to regret moving. I'm glad we did.

Back to the City of Golden Friendship

School is starting in about two hours, and I've got a few exams to take. I can't wait to finish them. That heavy weight will finally get lighter. I'm still glad to be home though. I missed my friends, my room, the dogs, and plain rice. The only rice I've eaten during the trip was chicken rice. It doesn't taste bad, I guess I just miss Filipino food. A few years ago my mom would bring me with her when she went to work during the summer. Then we would go with my dad to Cecil's and have lunch. They would always have Adobo and rice. The cool thing was, when I got to school today they were serving Adobo for lunch. The timing couldn't be better.

Epic Fail

We just arrived in Manila, and I'm already missing my brother. I can't wait to see him again. I never got a chance to "bow" him. I wonder if he would get it, but I'm pretty sure my sister would laugh really hard. I don't really know why, but she always does when she does it to me. Isabel keeps trying to do it to me and Maria. The first time she tried it on Maria, she wouldn't believe her so Isabel gave Maria a slight push on the head to face the floor and yelled "BOW!". I guess she needs a little more practice. But not with the rest of the tricks. Every time Maria and I try to scare her, she always ends up scaring us. When Maria was three and I was nine years old, my brother and sister tricked us into thinking we were part of a family of Vampires. They even got almost everyone in one it. We only found out it wasn't true a few months later. Maria and I remembered what happened while we were talking a few weeks ago, so we decided to do it to Isabel. After we told her our whole made up story, she gave a really sarcastic remark and walked away. Maria and I looked at each other and said she isn't going to believe it if it came from us. I guess Izzy is really growing up.

Hunting for Clodhoppers

Before the dinner of my mom's birthday, my sister and I went around Singapore looking for a snack called Clodhoppers. We didn't actually go everywhere. We just went to one supermarket and three malls. But we had other reasons too. She wanted sushi, and I wanted to try Phish Food by Ben & Jerry's. We never actually found the Clodhoppers. Apparently, hardly anyone new about it. The last time we bought it was about two years ago, and there were only a few packs on the shelf. I remember bringing one to school so my friends could try it. I'm not sure if they still remember it though. Oh well, I guess I should just keep them in mind when I leave this October.

Happy Birthday!

It's my mom's birthday today, and also Denise's. Too bad I can't be at two places at once. I hope Denise is having a good birthday. I also hope my mom is. She hardly asks for anything, but this year she decided to tell us what she wanted for her birthday. She wanted everyone to be together, and she wanted to go to the Botanic Garden in Singapore. Maria and Isabel fed the ducks and we all took a walk around the place. Mom was smiling the whole time, especially during dinner. It was a really funny dinner. We kept laughing, but I don't even remember why. But of course there was a little disappointment, because we were leaving the next day. Which meant we won't be seeing my brother for a while. But other than that, it was a really great day.

No Regrets

It was a really warm day today, but I still enjoyed it. The whole family went to Universal Studios Singapore. We all rode a pretty small roller coaster but only four of us road it again. My older brother and I road a bigger one called The Mummy, which isn't that scary. We were both scared to ride it, but my mom just pushed into the entrance. I'm not the type of person who likes going on roller coasters, but I had a lot of fun. I guess sometimes I analyze things too much. There are times that it does come in handy though. But there are also times when it's the reason why I hesitate to do some things.

When I get home, I should really go thank my friends since they're one of the reasons why I don't miss all the fun. I should also thank my mom and dad. I remember one morning, they woke me up at about 5:30 and told me we were leaving in thirty minutes to go river rafting. They actually did that to me three times. At least I never regretted it.

Another Day

Today was really fun. We went to the science center again. The last time I went there everything seemed bigger, but this time, they aren't that huge. I started to appreciate more of the things they had during this visit, because it's what I've been learning in school. I didn't actually get to go around the whole science center, because my mom and I got pretty tired. We left after we had lunch at McDonalds, speaking of which, doesn't serve rice here. It's not that big a deal though. After we, left we headed for the mall to buy a few things. We eventually got really tired and decided to just go back to the hotel. The whole day went by fast. I woner what tomorrow is going to be like.

Things are Pretty Different

Singapore is so clean! The only thing you see on the ground of the sidewalks are leaves, or the feet of other people who are passing by. It's really nice to walk around, especially because more cars respect the pedestrian lane. Everyone is driving on the left side of the road, and I keep forgetting that the driver is on the right side of the car. While typing this, I just realized that chewing gum isn't allowed here. I'm not really a gum person, but I know Evee can't live here. You really can't find any gum here. I think the best alternative would be the really chewy candy that they sell here.

The trip is off to a good start. I just hope that it will keep getting better since my mom will be celebrating her birthday during the trip.

SURPRISE!

We all finally arrived in Singapore. The plane rides from Cagayan de Oro to Singapore were surprisingly very tiring. We had to wake up at two in the morning, go through immigration, and sit through a four hour flight. You would think that the plane ride was the perfect time to take a nap, but for some reason a few of us just couldn't fall asleep. But it all payed off when we walked outside the airport, because we finally saw my older brother Francis. The whole family actually planned to surprise him by going along with my mom and dad, but he didn't seem that shocked. I guess it's because we surprised him a few times before. The last time my sister came, she brought me. And the last time my dad came, he brought my mom and my sister. When my older sister complained and said he wasn't excited, he just said he knew we were capable of giving him another surprise. Maybe next time we should bring all of our cousins.

Time is Precious

There are so much things to do! Sometimes there is that feeling where you think you absolutely have no time left. Every single minute is worth an hour to you, and your schedule seems to just keep growing. But then a few days later, when you finally got everything done, you just think "Wow. I actually did it." All it took was better time management and a really organized schedule. It's funny how it always starts out the same. I guess a part of it is really psychological. The more you believe that you can do it, the easier it starts to look. But of course it takes a lot more effort than just thinking.

Cinnamon, Peanut Butter & Raisins

My mom bought one of these a few days ago. When she told me about it I thought it sounded pretty odd and wouldn't taste that good. Turns out, it was one of those things that just prove you wrong.

Sometimes completely different things are just not good together, or sometimes they somehow just work. It reminds me of how friends or spouses can be. Some of them have the smallest things in common, but have a whole lot of differences that just keep them together. It might not some that amazing, but it probably is.

Iv'e Got a Question

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still have a sound?"

Answer the question first.

If you honestly tell me you believe the tree will still have a sound, I will applaud you. Why? Because to believe that the tree will make a sound, that it won't let you down, and you won't ever have any virtual proof of that, is a pretty good accomplishment.

Hopeful

Some people are afraid of the dark, and that’s including me. Some of the times that I hesitate to do something is when I know I won’t be able to control the situation. But we need to make mistakes, otherwise, life would be boring.

A little girl could say she was afraid of the dark because of monsters. Unless she just finished watching Monsters Incorporated. We could all choose to agree with her and be afraid, or we could see things differently. Mistakes, sadness and those moments in our life where things go wrong, all seem so scary. But they don’t have to be. You could see all of these things in a way where they open new doors.

When the sky turns gray and people hear thunder, some might say “Oh what a sad and gloomy day”. You might agree, or you could just be hopeful and see the perfect dark sky.

“And Jonathan Livingston Seagull rose with two star-bright

gulls to disappear into a perfect dark sky”

- Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach